It's probably the first thing you think of when someone mentions spicing things up in the bedroom.
Those four simple letters have some mighty big connotations when it comes to sexual pleasure, and although we've all heard of it, do we actually understand what it means?
Does it really mean being bound up tight in a sex dungeon with a Master or Mistress having total control over you? Or does it just simply mean slipping a silk blindfold on your partner and whispering sweet nothings into their ear?
Well, yes. Both, actually.
You see, BDSM covers a broad spectrum of activities in the bedroom... or the dungeon... or the sex club... or wherever you partake.
There's no one specific BDSM activity, and it varies between individuals as to what they class as BDSM.
What does BDSM Mean?
Let's go into a bit more detail. The term BDSM is broken down into three areas: B&D (Bondage and Discipline), D&S (Dominance and Submission) and S&M (Sadism and Masochism).
Sadism is the term used for those who gain pleasure from the pain or humiliation of others (usually the Dom or Domme), and Masochism is the pleasure of receiving pain or humiliation from others (usually known as the Sub or Submissive).
To put it simply, the term BDSM involves activities of consensual sexual gratification, where one partner has more control over the other.
So regardless of where you feel you lie on the BDSM scale, even something as gentle and caressing as a soft and sensual blindfold that will deprive your partner of their ability to see will give you a little more control of the situation and keep them guessing what is coming next.
And that's BDSM in a nutshell.
Bondage
Physically restraining someone or being physically restrained yourself using the correct equipment.
Most of us unknowingly indulge in a little bondage when we use those fluffy handcuffs that we got as a jokey gift.
Bondage is probably the most popular of all BDSM activities because it gives the feeling of being helpless for the sub and powerful for the dom.
Knowing you can do whatever you want (with prior consent) for your pleasure or your playmates. Controlling all orgasmic sensations is a real thrill.
Many people crave the feeling of being tied up or having movement restricted within a sexual scenario.
Bondage can be a great way of learning to relax and let go in sex, you can lie back and lie back and enjoy the pleasure your partner is giving you.
Discipline
Gaining control through rules / forms of discipline to force obedience.
Whether you quite like a hard spanking on the bottom or you like the thought of fulfilling a headmaster school fantasy, then chances are you will enjoy discipline.
Discipline is when the submissive party (the bottom) requires a disciplinary action to rectify behaviour of breaking pre-set rules.
These rules need to be set out before any activities take place and agreed by both parties.
Depending on your experience, rules can be as simple as cleaning up before any naughtiness, or as strict as not allowing your partner to orgasm.
Punishments can be whatever you want them to be, exploring physical such as spanking or psychological such as humiliation or verbal.
Domination
Exercising power or influence over someone or something.
In most relationships there is usually a more dominant person / character and then a submissive in everyday life.
Many couples like to explore this further and take these roles into the bedroom, exercising their submission or dominance using bondage and discipline to control their partner.
Some couples reverse the roles within sexual encounters, the quiet, happy go lucky submissive in every day life can turn into the dominant kinky sex god.
In some peoples lives they take Domination to the next level by exercising these roles in everyday life, this can be getting your sub to do specific jobs around the house or making them wear a collar and name tag.
A common act of dominance is controlling your subs orgasms by edging them until they’re about to climax and stop until they’re allowed.
Submission
Submitting / giving yourself fully to an authoritative figure (Dominant), complying to their demands.
Submission and Domination go together, as a submissive you would be required to do as the dominant asks, following their orders.
If the Submissive is disobedient, then the Dom will discipline in a way they see fit. During sex, a Sub may like having all control being taken away.
Using restraints to stop them touching themselves or the Dom, or the use of a gag to stop them speaking.
Some people extend their submissiveness as part of their daily life, allowing their partner to put them in a chasity or becoming a slave to them.
Sadism
Gaining sexual gratification from inflicting pain or humiliation on another person.
Sadism is a word that is sometimes linked to criminals and morally corrupt characters especially in films and television shows.
The BDSM community are reclaiming Sadism and Masochism to show it can be a good thing when in enjoyed safely.
Sadists enjoy giving pain through humiliation or physical punishment.
Before practising Sadism you should always discuss this with your partner to ensure everything is consensual, discussing the pleasure both parties will get is extremely important before playing.
Sadists often like to use whips, paddles or floggers on their playmate, others take things a bit further by using hot wax or clamps.
The sexual thrill of performing these acts comes from the power involved when inflicting the pain, also the rosy red glow from a spanking.
Masochism
Gaining sexual gratification from being subjected to physical pain or humiliation.
Masochism is the opposite of Sadism, it’s where a person enjoys having pain inflicted or humiliation, which can often lead to orgasm.
A high level of endorphins are released when experiencing pain during a sexual scenario producing a natural high.
Some Masochists find it a huge emotional relief after a session leaving them relaxed and purged of all stresses.
A common sexual pleasure act of Masochism is having the genitals tortured as the pain creates intense and unique sensations.
Banana!
Whether you're new to BDSM or an experienced kinkster, you should always have a safe word, or in the case where one of you may be incapacitated, a safety sign or noise to alert your partner to any potential problems during your play.
Generally, a safe word is the most common form of alert.
Make sure you have agreed on the word with your partner before play begins, and choose it carefully.
Pick something obscure that you wouldn't say during sex, such as "banana", "fluffy bunny", or "football".
This leaves you free to moan, squeal, and communicate in the moment without needing to stop suddenly because of a miscommunication.
Another method is the traffic light system.
Some BDSM lovers prefer this, as when their partner checks in on them, they can express whether they are enjoying what's going on or whether they need to ease back or stop altogether.
By using "green", "amber", or "red", the Dom or Domme has a better understanding of their partner's experience and where to take it next.
Noise can help where one partner cannot speak or hear, for example, when gagged or hooded.
A common noise used is a police siren wailing up and down, which can be a signal for "emergency".
The session can then be stopped, and the captive freed.
Objects can also help where communication is not possible.
Dropping a tennis ball or anything that isn't breakable gives the Sub a chance to alert the Dom or Domme that they need to stop.
Similarly, a dog's squeaky toy can work with a loud squeak if things get too much.
Whatever safety precautions you put in place, make sure they are mutually agreed upon in advance.
Let’s Go!
So, as we have mentioned, BDSM is a big wide world of sex toys, bondage gear and fetish wear!
Where do you even start?
If you've never BDSM'd in the bedroom, start slowly and gently.
There's no rush if you don't know what will turn you on yet. Take your time, explore and enjoy the journey.
Tie Me Down
The most common tools used are restraints, which feature in most types of BDSM play.
From pink fluffy handcuffs to thick, unbreakable leather restraint sets, there is a vast range available to create every bedroom fantasy you can imagine.
If you're looking for something a bit wild, you'll find furry leopard print handcuffs.
Looking to play doctors and nurses? Medical-style hospital restraints are just what the doctor ordered!
Beginners are best starting with something simple and easy to use.
Hook and Loop fastening restraints made from soft material make for quick but effective ways of keeping your lover in place and are usually inexpensive too.
Or soft, chunky neoprene cuffs, collar and ankle restraint sets are a popular choice, thanks to their all-round durable and comfort properties.
If you’re questioning whether you’re ready to bring restraints into your relationship, beginners can try other ways of tying up their lover, including using climbing rope or strips of material.
But a word of caution: never use zip ties for bondage, as they are designed to tighten when pulled and won’t undo. Stick to a good set of bondage restraints for safe play.
I Can’t See!
A favourite tool of BDSM enthusiasts is the classic blindfold.
A perfect tease for your partner which will keep them guessing what is coming next, a blindfold will also help to heighten other senses like sound, smell and touch.
A whisper in their ear can feel like a caress through their entire body when their sight is deprived, so blindfolds can add an intense and exciting element to your play.
Scarves are a perfect way to dip your toe in, and by covering their eyes with soft, silky material will help to add to their experience even more.
If your scarf is silk, use it to your advantage! Run it up and down their body, letting the soft, sensual material delicately tickle and tease the surface of the skin before plunging them into a world of darkness…
Blindfolds come in different designs, shapes and styles.
From money-saving faux leather styles for those new to the scene to more advanced harness-style blindfolds designed for extreme bondage play, a blindfold is one of the most interesting and exciting elements of BDSM.
Making an Impact
Blindfolds are often used in conjunction with Impact Play.
That term may harsh and painful to some, but impacts don’t always have to be hard and heavy.
Sometimes, a delicate “tap” in the right zone can create a rush of endorphins and adrenaline throughout the body.
Impact toys generally come in the form of whips, paddles, floggers and riding crops.
Whips usually have one single fall from the handle and can give a harsh and often painful “thwack” against the skin.
Whips tend to be used on lovers of intense pain, the masochists of the BDSM world.
Floggers on the other hand usually have multiple falls from the handle, making them thicker and layered in texture.
Many report feeling a rush from being flogged, either across their back or on their derriere.
They tend to be less painful than a whip, and are sometimes swung around continuously in a figure of eight when being used, creating a less intense, but more constant “flogging” sensation.
If you get into the right headspace, you can often zone out when being flogged, and some find it incredibly relaxing and therapeutic.
Paddles are designed for spanking, a common practice of BDSM play.
Usually used when one partner is bent over with their booty exposed, they can create anything from a light touch to a harsh slap, sometimes even leaving an imprint!
Not sure if impact play is up your street? Start off with your partner bent over your knee, and try spanking them with your hand.
If you find it awakens your inner BDSM devil, try using a slipper or rolled-up magazine to take things up a notch. You’ll soon know if you’re ready to invest in some real spanking tools…
Whatever you use and however you use it, if you’re new to impact play, take it at your own pace. Never feel pressured to go harder or more intense, and if it’s not fun, STOP!
A Nipple Bit Of Fun
Lastly, a big turn-on for women, and indeed men too, is nipple play.
Also known as tit torture (or TT), fixing clamps to the nipples can be powerfully arousing, adding a new dimension to BDSM play.
Nipple clamps can come in different styles and intensities, with clover clamps for sharp and intense stimulation, peg style clamps for beginners and rubber vacuum suckers for those looking to pump the nipples as well as arouse their partner.
If the nipple clamps are connected by a chain, you can even add small weights to heighten your lover’s pleasure (or pain!).
Get creative!
You can also use your mouth to nibble, suck and chew on your lover’s nipples. You’ll be surprised how effective it can be…
Find Your BDSM
So yes. BDSM is a wide world of toys, techniques, and titillation.
And it doesn’t matter whether you just want to include a blindfold in your bedroom antics or want to go full-on fetish and be tied down with everything mentioned above and more.
As long as you take things at a pace that’s right for you both, explore, enjoy and educate yourselves by diving into something different.
Combine what works for you to create the perfect recipe of raunchy, racy, risqué sexual pleasure.
